Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
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Smooooooth
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
We all have our pet causes.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
#MeanwhileinCanada
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go