waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
📽️movie date🎞️
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Meow
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.