I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
How high do the levels go?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*