I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
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me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.