*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m literally crying
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.