*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
going to the ER y’all need anything
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.