First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
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DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks