Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
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I only treason on days ending in y
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day