Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
so much to do
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.