Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.