Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
How funny!
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Snapes on a plane.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.