October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.