The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula