Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
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*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Coffee is ready.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
In banana years, I am bread.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?