A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING: