Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.