Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
BRO LMFAO
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
A man of commitment.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?