‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.