Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
This meeting could have been a cake
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.