True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
men are simple creatures
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬