I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Has there ever been a more American story?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]