[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
You Might Also Like
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.