i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
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What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
“You’d better run, egg!”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.