Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.