Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
no refunds
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.