[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
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found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…