I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Spring cleaning checklist…
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Trumpy Cat
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?