With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
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My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.