Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I am having an out of money experience.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me