How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
You Might Also Like
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Important
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.