People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.