We’ve all been there…
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“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG