we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.