Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
The point of your 20s
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
It’s a gift
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.