Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
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THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
my retirement plan is braless
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall