“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
You Might Also Like
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.