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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
english majors be like furthermore
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
i will avenge u mr van gogh
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
New comic up. “Ransom”
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*