found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.