To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
an airline just for babies.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
#Caturday
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.