Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Tell the colonel to bring it
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.