Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
You Might Also Like
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.