I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Autocannibalism is self-serving.