Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight