Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
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My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out