All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
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I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.