sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
How funny!
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’