A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.