I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it