This is the coolest video you will see today.
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I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do