You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I missed you with all my darts
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah